Here’s the truth: I’ve been in love with #1 for over a year and it’s not done a lot for the state of my life. At first it was all very positive. Experiencing his zest for life and optimism was like finding water in the desert after a long unhappy marriage filled with negativity and despair. I lost weight, I had great sex, I bought all new underwear, I felt reborn. Then, as I have chronicled here ad infinitum, the honeymoon ended and #1 let it be known very forthrightly that he is not a one woman kind of guy and he never will be. He disappeared from my life, I fell apart. I couldn’t stand not having him in my life so I decided to accept him as he is and just deal. I still love him, but don’t really know what that means anyway. I think we’re very alike in the sense of being emotionally stifled, self centered, reckless, bad with money and unable to truly bond with anyone other than our children. We’re actually perfect for each other except for that age thing.

Then I meet #2. #2 is the total opposite of #1 on the emotional scale. He wants to bond in a big way. But I’m still attached to #1. #2 makes me laugh a lot and he wants to do things for me. At this point our relationship is pretty platonic. #2 has a medical condition (not a disease) that has been diagnosed as fatal within the next decade. #2 and I share a birthday as well, although he arrived on the planet 11 years later than me. This is the stuff movies are made of I’m sure. I’m just going to let this situation unfold.

What would I do if I was told I only had X number of years to live? Would I live like I do now? Hell no. But we all only have X number of years to live so isn’t there an implied obligation to live the life you want to live? Of course. These are not original thoughts I understand… I do have to look after my daughter and make sure she gets what she needs.. thus, I cannot quit my job and run off to Mexico with #2 at this point. When you add in the current social/political/economic conditions of this messed up country the question becomes even more crucial… what are we staying here for? Maybe I should just take my daughter and go somewhere where life can be better… but then I’d show up and what would really be different? You know the old saying.. no matter where I go I always seem to show up…. For now I am going to put one foot in front of the other. It’s all I can do right now.

Oh jesus fucking christ….. just as i’m writing this at the reference desk who walks in but this shameful one night stand i had last year during a night of heavy drinking and trying to purge #1 from my head….. oh jesus fucking christ… i’m going to be sick…. Bachelor Number Three!!! Vomitous…..