In a startling turn of events today, Barack Obama called a press conference to announce that he is suspending his run for the Presidency in order to travel to Sydney, Australia, where he will attempt to nurse the baby whale “Colin” back to health and reunite him with his pod.
The plight of the whale has dominated news coverage in Australia since it was first sighted Sunday and began trying to suckle from boats it apparently mistook for its mother. Previous attempts to guide the whale back to open waters have failed, with the creature preferring to stick close to the boats. One effort came from Aboriginal whale whisperer Bunna Lawrie, who visited Colin Thursday afternoon. Wearing feathers on his head and white paint markings on his face, Lawrie reached into the water to stroke Colin while singing a humming tune. But after a few minutes the whale swam away to nuzzle a nearby yacht.
Mr. Obama stated “Although a whale whisperer is certainly an expert to be respected, my own vision of positive change and hope can be incorporated into a new and powerful form of whale whispering that will heal Colin. Yes, I can.” Later he added “Colin must also understand that nuzzling yachts is only fueling the frenzy of accusations that he is an “elitist” calf. If Colin is to nuzzle any type of vessel, it must be the vessel of the common man, say, a dinghy or a Jon Boat.”
David Axelrod, Obama’s top advisor, issued a statement early this morning claiming that the calf communicated its desire to meet Mr. Obama to Bunna Lawrie during their whale whispering session. “Colin is young, much like the legions of young Americans and young people around the world, who seek a visionary leader to help put the world back on the right path – to lead them back to the pod, in a manner of speaking.”
Earlier this month, young Heroes star Hayden Panettiere, an outspoken advocate for Saving the Whales, came out in support of Mr. Obama. Appearing by his side at the press conference today she said “Barry and I are friends not only to each other, but to all living creatures, especially whales and dolphins. We share the same values. I know he will do what is right, not only for Colin, but for all stranded baby humpbacks who are being threatened with euthanization. And humanity in general. “
In reaction to this startling turn of events, John McCain has issued a statement calling Mr. Obama’s announcement “a personal decision that I hope and pray will allay the unrest currently being felt by the Pakistanians.”
UPDATE: Sadly, Colin was euthanized before Mr. Obama’s flight arrived in Sydney. The Obama campaign has not released a statement regarding future plans.