I’m a retard. Let’s get that straight up front. I am alone tonight. No daughter, no friends around. Today, I had to deal with a banking crisis of my own (i.e. over 400 bucks in overdraft fees and more stuff coming down the pike that would further compound my overdraft issues)…. thus, I sit on the couch with a valium in me and a bottle of red wine before me.

I am torn between watching the hugely enjoyable Rachel Maddow show, which is tonight all about the US financial crisis and she’s trying to explain it to me, and the other retards who can’t understand the enormity of it all. She is pretty good. She can break it down as best as anyone can for a fool such as I. Torn? Oh yes, torn between watching Rachel and watching Dancing With the Stars, which is the most mindless, stupid and useless thing ever invented for TV (okay, that title is up for grabs but this one’s in the top 10)……

And then I wonder. What difference does it make what I watch? I am as ineffective in one arena as in the other. I can only sit on my couch like a robot and just take it in, or turn off the tv and take more valium. Either way, my existence has no meaning in the world. I have a child I can try to help but even on that score, I feel totally ineffectual. The world is shaping her in a head to head, smack down competition with me. I don’t know which way to turn. Be more straight? More mainstream? Where does that lead? Be a mess like I am and just love her? Get my head on straight only to have it ripped off again by the madness of the world that is surrounding me? I seem a little negative tonight, you think?

I can be positive. It’s rare, but it can happen. Maybe tomorrow. For now I’m going to keep flipping the channels until I fall asleep on the couch.

Update: Wait…. wait!!!! Did I really miss the season premiere of Heroes while wallowing in my self pity? Or was it because someone came to visit and I lost track of the TV schedule? Damnit!!!! Damnit!!!! Now that’s some TV worth watching… maybe they’ll rerun it again soon……..