November 2008


Look at this old post and note the date. Amazing and ridiculous and funny and sad. Outrageous!

It’s deeper than I imagined it would ever be. It’s hard to describe with words. It’s not like the loss of a true love like my child, or a sibling., or even my most beloved pet. But the pain is deep and scarring, and makes everything unbearable nonetheless…   it is deep and blue. It is a bruise upon my soul. I haven’t cried so deeply and so hard in years. And maybe that is good. It is the loss of the love of an illusion.  Losing a fantasy can be harder than losing something real, because at least with a fantasy you keep hanging on to the dangling string of hope.  Reality is not so fluid. Tonight I lost my illusion. Once and for all. He broke my heart when I didn’t even think I had a heart to break. And now I am left with a decision that will affect not only me, but my most beautiful daughter. Where to turn? With only a few days to decide. Who to turn to? Where to find the strength? Friends. There are friends. He was my friend. He says he still is. But my heart is bruised and bleeding and I can’t stop crying. So I don’t know where to go with that. I have to go to work in the morning. That is all I know. This bruise is deeper and longer and harder than it would appear on the surface. It comes from years of building up barriers and letting people in and not trusting and then finding out maybe I set myself up for it in the first place. It is deep and blue and it hurts more than I ever imagined it could hurt. Below the surface, on the surface, in my face, my hands, my head and my heart. On my chest. It it the deepest blue I have known in many years. If only I could sleep and have it go away.



Help. It has been running non-stop since we got it yesterday. Now it’s stuck on a New Year’s Eve gig with Ozzie Osbourne.  Actually it’s a pretty cool game. I suck at it. The girl is getting better by the minute….  I want to play “Float On” by Modest Mouse but have been informed that it is way too difficult for me to ever accomplish. I accept that challenge little spawn of Satan!!!!  I can’t help thinking of the daughter on “Californication”….  living with her fucked up parents, being all level headed, being the virtual parent, and rockin out on Guitar Hero all the time….  if only I had the money that Hank and her mom have…….. then I could send her to a private all girl school too……. sigh…….