December 2008


blizzard08001

The title is a lyric from a song I wrote about 13 years ago. It was another soggy, sad Christmas as I recall.

You say it’s snowing? How unusual. It’s been 25 days since I realized I’d just made one of the bigger mistakes of my life by taking the basement apartment of my “friend with benefits”.  Not anyone’s fault really. Just bad judgement all around. I discovered I’d been lying to myself for a long time about my ability to live in an open relationship.  So after three days of “living” there…. hah….. I packed up my kid and the bare necessities and I moved into my ex-husband’s house, which he shares with an unemployed girlfriend with serious drinking issues and her very cool 18 year old daughter.  What a happy little family we all were hunkered down together at the end of the world.  Much craziness ensued. I fell down the basement stairs there and have been ailing ever since. My whole body is wrecked. My face sustained no injuries but I still look like I’ve aged about 10 years in the past 3 weeks. Stress can do that to a person. And drinking, smoking and taking god knows what variety of sedatives.

I managed to find a pretty nice place and actually got moved (for the second time in two weeks) on day one of the great Seattle Snowlacost, thanks to the help of some brave friends who drove the U-Haul for me in the blizzard and ice.  I paid them for their work but probably not enough.

It’s been hard to think about it all, much less whine on the blog about it. Snowbound for a week with a broken ribcage and a broken spirit. Huh. Go figure. And I still find myself missing my friend. The definition of insanity according to Benjamin Franklin:  doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Insanity should be so simple. Insanity for Dummies.

I started this post days ago. It seems rather worthless.  Today, Sunday the 29th of December I am back at work and the sun is shining and the sky is blue.  I’m still injured but will address that tomorrow with further medical care.  As to my mental state, I have a plan.  And the plan includes stepping up, getting up, and stopping the madness.  Stopping all my bad habits. And taking the pain and facing it head on.  It will be hard. It will suck. But in the end I’m told it will be better. 

I’m thinking about our little microcosm here in Seattle and how we were all inconvenienced by the blizzard and food and gas running out due to said blizzard and I’m thinking about my nephew in Afghanistan who, on Christmas eve,  picked up the remains of his platoon leader and put them in a body bag and I’m thinking about the Palestinians who are being slaughtered as I type.  We gotta take the pain and face it head on.  It will be hard. It will suck. But all we have left is hope that in the end it will be better.

 Happy New Year.

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fuckitall

I’m not the drug addict type but I am loving me some valium these days.  Times are tough and I’m sick of talking about it but the blog is dead for a while. The blog nobody reads anyways……  Then there’s the Fukital…… if only i could get my hands on that shit.