19th Nervous Breakdown


patchen3

If you give up and surrender then change can come into your life. I have to give up all of my beliefs, all of my concepts, and start over. Re-learn the world. Like a toddler, I will simply stumble around in a gleeful blissful state of not knowing anything. Because everything I have learned, everything I have believed in, everything I thought I knew has been wrong.  I believed I had a chance of  an increase in my hours at work. I believed that I might be making more money and be able to improve my living situation, I believed that things couldn’t get worse, I believed that I had a chance.  Well I’m not getting more hours at work, I’m not going to be making more money. In fact, I’ve even had an hour cut from my schedule. It’s just an hour, but still.  I believed that I could pull myself out of this hole of depression and madness. I believed that I was funny and attractive. I believed that I could carry off faking it a little longer.

It’s all off the table. I’m going to surrender. And I think surrendering to some form of god is the only thing left for me. I don’t know which form of god. But I have to give myself up to something bigger than myself. Let someone or something else take over for a while. Cleanse my mind, my soul, my body. Wipe the slate clean and start over. What am I talking about? I don’t know . I’m on the reference desk and slightly sedated with the help of some valium in order to make it through the day without a constant stream of tears running down my face. Crying is cleansing but it also wrecks your makeup and makes you look like a crazy person on the reference desk.  I bought some Lotto tickets.  I’m taking my dog to the rescue people next week. I’m going to have my paycheck garnished by several creditors. But in the end it’s only money. My daughter has relatives who can care for her if I cannot. We’ll just wait and see what happens.  I like valium.

crazy-cat

I am once again revisiting  the eternal struggle to wash my brain of  the boy.  To find the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The ups and downs of  this relationship have been documented in this blog for a long time.  I am not clear on why I cannot get over him. It’s been 2.5 years of continuous and alternating pain and joy.  It’s like fucking Brokeback Mountain for heterosexuals.  We’ve gone from being sorta together (boy don’t do monogomy), to being totally cut off, to being fuckbuddies, to being homemade porn stars, and now back to crazytown.  He has a new fling. A freaking 26 year old. Not that hot, but obviously she’s got something he wants for now.  I am having fucking NIGHTMARES about it all. 

While the boy is charming and funny and smart, his life is a total trainwreck.  I should be glad to let someone else deal with his drama for a while.  Would I really want him if he was mine to have? Why am I so attached? So obsessed?  There is obviously a connection there that strikes a deep and primal chord in me. The only way I can explain it is that pain and drama are so heavily ingrained in my psychological makeup, that he is the perfect fit for that very self defeating, masochistic chink in my brain.  He fills a part of me that thrives on this stuff and it makes for a very powerful addiction.  Add to that:  I just love being around him. And the sex is perhaps the best I’ve ever had. The perfect trifecta for addiction. I feel like it is going to kill me. I cannot let that happen. What the hell?  I need electro shock therapy. I need to move to another country. I can’t believe I am back here again. I guess I never really left.  Writing about it is therapy for me. In which case, I should be doing a lot more writing……..

swinglow

Outside on my porch tonight, all bereft as usual, I heard a church bell ring at 11 p.m. I wondered why a bell would ring at that time of night. But then instead of feeling all hateful toward the beautiful bell…. it was hard to feel that way, but the fact of it perplexed me…..  I was so glad to hear that bell. People were out in the world doing SOMETHING….. ambulating and doing something, whereas I do so little lately. I would like to thank  those bell ringers for reminding me that there is life out there. I suspect that is part of the message. But then, I know little of those types.

That’s actually a title of a book my sister gave me when I graduated from Library School, but it was an architectural study of libraries…. little did I know of the true drama that goes on in the public library.

Here’s a little bit of my day today: I was late again. I will not elaborate on that. So the day started out rough. I’m feeling really crappy to boot. Then I found my friend Sue’s obituary that has finally appeared in The Times and after reading it, I was so overcome with grief I had to leave the building and hide out back sobbing for a while. Then a bright spot: Simon, a young man from Kenya who is the most gentle and polite person I’ve ever met came into the library. Last time I saw him he was losing his host-family and looking for help finding a free or subsidized place to live. I was afraid he had moved somewhere out of the neighborhood and I wouldn’t see him again. Some people just touch your heart and there’s no explaining it. Perhaps it was his gratitude for the help I offer or his amazement that he could actually bring his own books into the library to read if he wanted to. Or maybe it was just his beautiful face and lovely accent combined with a need for assistance acclimating to this confusing society in which he has landed. I haven’t asked how he came to be here….

Then a long time patron, an elderly lady who I have found extremely annoying over the years (I’m going on 10 here) came up to the desk looking for one of our other librarians. We’ll call this lady “J”. J has been declining mentally, noticably, over the years but now she has reached full blown dementia. She can’t remember her e-mail account or her password. She thinks her library card number is her e-mail account. She is frustrated and angry and confused. I have softened in my approach to her, of course. I just have to sit and listen and tell her it will be okay. She is moving to assisted living with her equally demented husband and they will not be in the neighborhood much longer. I can’t say I’ll miss her but I definitely feel badly for her…

Then there was the headline on the local paper about 600 dogs being rescued from a puppy mill in Snohomish, 80% of them pregnant. Truly enough to send me scrambling through my purse for some valium….. none there….. oh well.. I’ll just pop another anti-depressant….

This is just another day in the life of your nieghborhood librarian on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Some things make me laugh, others make me cry. The rest is all just life on parade…… and now, for something completely unrelated…..
akbar1

UPDATE: Something quite unusual and beautiful happened right at closing. A cute little college boy was asking for Lewis Carroll books and I ordered him a few. He was with a friend and they were enjoying a bit of reparte that was going on between me and a regular patron who I joke around a lot with, lots of inappropriate, unprofessional banter….  So I order the books for him and he comes back to the desk asking for post it notes  and then tape. He went over in the children’s area and was acting weird.. lingering…. surreptitious… I thought he was up to some guerrilla performance art or something.  After he left and we locked the doors I went to investigate over in the area where he had been, expecting to find post it notes with odd messages on the childrens’ books. Instead, I found a beautiful piece of smooth round glass with blue and white swirls.  On the back was taped a sticky note with “thank you library” written on it …..  sometimes I think god (whoever god is) is talking directly to me but I’m usually too blind and deaf and caught up in my own head to hear it.

evans35

So I’m driving to work today in a state of sheer panic over the overdrafts that are headed my way at the bank, again, after shelling out $380 for car repairs this week.  I’m listening to NPR.  A guy from Slate magazine is discussing good stocks for investment  now that Obama is in office. Obama has an I-Pod, so invest in Apple. Obama vacations in Hawaii, so surely people will be flocking to Hawaii to catch a glimpse of him and that hot bod in his swmsuit,  so invest in Hawaiian Airlines.  Target has a designer that is helping with some redecorating at the White House, so Target looks good too because we’re all going to want to have that Obama style aren’t we????  And last, but not least, there’s some company that runs gyms all over the country to which Obama has access for his frequent workouts.  Since folks  will surely want to hop on the treadmill next to the pres,  memberships are going to soar, so invest there too,  ladies and gents.

I just want enough money to cover my overdraft charges for the month. I never ever in my life had overdraft charges with any bank. Until the last few months where I figure I’ve paid close to 800 bucks or more in said charges.  I keep borrowing money from my ex-husband, who is not really my ex-husband yet because we’ve been too lazy to file the paperwork, so technically I’m still his legal liability if I go under…..  he has no money either since he works as a custodian and he’s about to drop dead from the hard work at age 59…..  but still he lends me money from the home equity line of credit he took out on the house. Yes, he got the house…  I got the crappy bunker style apartment…. long story……

Now pardon me – I have to go and invest all that money I don’t have in whatever operation breeds the dog that the Obamas choose for First Dog.  Or just start breeding them myself.  Puppy Mills for Obamaniacs !!!

fuckitall

I’m not the drug addict type but I am loving me some valium these days.  Times are tough and I’m sick of talking about it but the blog is dead for a while. The blog nobody reads anyways……  Then there’s the Fukital…… if only i could get my hands on that shit.

Wow. These girls are amazing. Personality, sweetness, hilarity… these girls are amazing. Did I just say that??? I never thought I could love rats so much – I’m a dog person.. but they are like extremely small dogs…. they come when you beckon (usually), they jump on your lap, they want to be with their humans. They’re crawling on me as I type this very blog. And they are so funny to watch… hunched up on their hind legs looking for the next adventure, yawning as they lie snuggled together in their hammock.. running around the house, Baby’s nose to Delilah’s tail…. endless entertainment…

Oh.. and then this came to me this morning…

I felt strangely happy today. Probably because the sun was actually out for a while. “Strange” because happy is not an emotional state I’ve experienced in quite a while.

This winter/so called spring has been really hard on a lot of people in my life. I don’t know if we can attribute it to Bush, global warming, the flu epidemic, the economy, Iraq, general malaise or what – but I would say it’s been a rough few months… and then it came to me:

We’re all just here to hold each other up. To help each other through the shit that life deals. That’s it, plain and simple. The meaning of life. It’s about the people you hold dear and being there for them. If we come across people who are not going to be there for us and help in the holding up, then we have to let them go or at least not count them as part of our primary landscape…

Male or female, friends, family or lovers…. we are only here to support and help each other … and we’re all a little crazy on some level. So we don’t need to beat ourselves up for our shortcomings because we all have them. The key is helping each other out.

I don’t know. It helped me crawl out of my hole. Maybe it will help you.

PS: And and then there was John Stewart asking Obama tonight: “If you win will you enslave the white race?” Now we all have to love that…..

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