gratitude journal


lamb
Seriously. This lugubrious self destructive bent must come to an end. Look outside. The sun is shining, there are lambs frolicking on the lawn chasing after butterflies, there’s warm porridge on the table. Dewy eyed rodents dart hither and yonder, scampering at my feet and tickling my toes as I embrace the lush greenness that is life. I am so thankful for the simple things. I have been given so much and yet I have a tendency to squander it all for the sake of….. what?

And today I get to work at the library! This is an opportunity for growth and sharing the love. The public provides endless learning opportunities, as does the challenged staff that I must work with. I’m taking this bull by the horns and turning that frown upside down, mister. I hear the bells a’ringin…. Hallelujah! Cobwebs are clearing as I type. Life is beautiful and so am I. Just for those of you who read that last post and thought I was done – I’m not.

Wow. These girls are amazing. Personality, sweetness, hilarity… these girls are amazing. Did I just say that??? I never thought I could love rats so much – I’m a dog person.. but they are like extremely small dogs…. they come when you beckon (usually), they jump on your lap, they want to be with their humans. They’re crawling on me as I type this very blog. And they are so funny to watch… hunched up on their hind legs looking for the next adventure, yawning as they lie snuggled together in their hammock.. running around the house, Baby’s nose to Delilah’s tail…. endless entertainment…

Oh.. and then this came to me this morning…

I felt strangely happy today. Probably because the sun was actually out for a while. “Strange” because happy is not an emotional state I’ve experienced in quite a while.

This winter/so called spring has been really hard on a lot of people in my life. I don’t know if we can attribute it to Bush, global warming, the flu epidemic, the economy, Iraq, general malaise or what – but I would say it’s been a rough few months… and then it came to me:

We’re all just here to hold each other up. To help each other through the shit that life deals. That’s it, plain and simple. The meaning of life. It’s about the people you hold dear and being there for them. If we come across people who are not going to be there for us and help in the holding up, then we have to let them go or at least not count them as part of our primary landscape…

Male or female, friends, family or lovers…. we are only here to support and help each other … and we’re all a little crazy on some level. So we don’t need to beat ourselves up for our shortcomings because we all have them. The key is helping each other out.

I don’t know. It helped me crawl out of my hole. Maybe it will help you.

PS: And and then there was John Stewart asking Obama tonight: “If you win will you enslave the white race?” Now we all have to love that…..

Okay… here’s the deal. My co-worker likened this piece of music to my mindset the other day. I was feeling all guilty about writing negative stuff in the blog all the time so I started to write something cheerful… like this….

“It’s all captured in the small moments. Like laughing with a coworker who you think secretly despises you but sometimes you still laugh together and you can’t believe she wouldn’t really love you on some level. Like getting a totally strong show of support from a friend who thinks you might need him to have your back. Like having a beautiful daughter who tells you honestly you’re not always the best mom but you’re a good enough mom. Like having friends who stick by you no matter what. There’s beauty in the interactions and in all of the day to day struggle. “

Hear the birds singing? See the clouds parting? Feel the sun shining down upon you now?

So my friend B says, more or less, that this is just not like me… it’s like Beethoven’s No. 8 in C Minor… all minor chords, those unrelenting minor chords, just till the last part where he switches to C major and it sounds all pretty for a little bit, but then… bam! Back to C minor for the finish… like “hell no… I’m going back to the minor chords .. screw that pretty, melodic shit…”

So today I listened to the piece while furiously cleaning the house and working off some anxiety about finances, an upcoming trip to Canada (where I might be denied entry due to an old run-in with the law…. makes me sweat just to think about it) and life in general.

I don’t know. I think the pretty shit is nice sometimes. I guess we should enjoy it when it comes round. That is all.

 

Where DOES it all end? Obviously it ends after all is said and done. After the fat lady sings. When pigs fly, when hell freezes over, when you move into upper management, when you’re marinating in soil and worms, when you’ve moved into shart mode, the jig is up, the farm is bought, the hellish sensation that you’ve been there before sets in, tax season grasps you by the balls and nails you to the desktop, the seratonin uptake inhibitor is neither uptaking nor inhibiting, in fact you are exhibiting on the downbeat, and the symphony is playing on and on. You’re toast. You’re so yesterday. Your mold is showing, your eyes have seen the glory of the coming, you bet the farm and your dog died too. You’ve gone to the dirt archives. The cat is on the bed. You’ve put the smack down on it all, you eat the big one, you eat the little ones too, and then they eat you. Repeat.

Today I went back into the world. The sun was shining and with more sleep, less self indulgence, and some humility I found a different light at a different angle. Staying apart from the world is comforting to some point but then you realize you have to be in it to get anything out of it.  It’s a choice. Easy to give up and say it’s all fucked and everyone is fucked and what’s the fucking point in the end? Being angry at the world does nothing but perpetuate more anger. Taking action is the only chance of escaping hopelessness.  Whatever action we take, no matter how small, is all we have. My choice of action today was to work little by little on doing something positive. Something as small as talking honestly to a co-worker, being as responsible as I can be to work and family, not hurting myself through indulgence or neglect, just going for the even flow of day to day – at a certain point realizing that negative energy is damaging to me and to my environment.  Some friends have helped me to realize this, either through direct discussion or by ignoring me when I am a crazy negative bitch.  Whatever works.

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Today I woke up … okay that’s debatable. Was it something to be grateful for , or did I really even wake up?

I drank coffee.

I went to work and did not verbally or physically assault anyone.

I left work.

I made a delicious dinner of chicken picatta, pasta and baked brussel sprouts. OK the brussel sprouts tanked but otherwise it was a delicious dinner.

I watched tv. it was bad tv, but it was on my new hdtv which is nice.

I blogged.

I got a job interview.

I sat on my zen pillow in front of my computer.

my fingers still work. i can still spell.

i have a bed to sleep in.

i have a better grammatical base than i exhibit.

i can leave the US in a few years …. I hope.

Bilbys.

i still got it.