If you give up and surrender then change can come into your life. I have to give up all of my beliefs, all of my concepts, and start over. Re-learn the world. Like a toddler, I will simply stumble around in a gleeful blissful state of not knowing anything. Because everything I have learned, everything I have believed in, everything I thought I knew has been wrong.  I believed I had a chance of  an increase in my hours at work. I believed that I might be making more money and be able to improve my living situation, I believed that things couldn’t get worse, I believed that I had a chance.  Well I’m not getting more hours at work, I’m not going to be making more money. In fact, I’ve even had an hour cut from my schedule. It’s just an hour, but still.  I believed that I could pull myself out of this hole of depression and madness. I believed that I was funny and attractive. I believed that I could carry off faking it a little longer.

It’s all off the table. I’m going to surrender. And I think surrendering to some form of god is the only thing left for me. I don’t know which form of god. But I have to give myself up to something bigger than myself. Let someone or something else take over for a while. Cleanse my mind, my soul, my body. Wipe the slate clean and start over. What am I talking about? I don’t know . I’m on the reference desk and slightly sedated with the help of some valium in order to make it through the day without a constant stream of tears running down my face. Crying is cleansing but it also wrecks your makeup and makes you look like a crazy person on the reference desk.  I bought some Lotto tickets.  I’m taking my dog to the rescue people next week. I’m going to have my paycheck garnished by several creditors. But in the end it’s only money. My daughter has relatives who can care for her if I cannot. We’ll just wait and see what happens.  I like valium.


Think about it: the Q-Tip. The real, bona fide Q-Tip. What is it? 100 % pure cotton on a paper stick.  I was reading the Q-Tip package this morning. It was all I could handle reading this morning. The label claims Q-Tips have “more soft cotton at the tip* than any other swab”.  I was intruiged by the asterisk. 

*From the end of the stick to the top of the swab. But where is the end of the stick? Both ends have cotton on them.  And why was it necessary to define “tip”??? And there’s a little picture to illustrate where the “tip” is, in case you couldn’t figure it out. The tip of the Q-Tip is fairly glowing and a little dotted cap has been imposed over the tip just to make sure you can see where the tip is.

The label also states “VARIETY OF USES” in a rather bold, modern font, above the traditional “Q-tips ® Cotton Swabs” labeling that has comforted us for a lifetime.

Still intrigued by all I was learning while still on my first cup of coffee, I went on to explore the q-tips.com website. Whoa!!! Dude….. fascinating stuff. Especially the history of the Q-Tip.  Check it out.. there’s even a kooky 1950’s ad for viewing. Who knew the product was originally called Baby Gays and in 1926, the labels were changed to read Q-tips® Baby Gays.  Baby Gays??? WTF?? The Oxford English Dictionary has a very lengthy entry for the word “gay”.. many meanings there but nothing that makes sense in the context of “baby gays”…. at least not to me.  A nosegay is a small bouquet. Maybe it was a play on that … the “tip” (see illustration on packaging if you don’t know what a tip is) being the little bouquet of cotton.  God  – life is fascinating. Especially my life.