If you give up and surrender then change can come into your life. I have to give up all of my beliefs, all of my concepts, and start over. Re-learn the world. Like a toddler, I will simply stumble around in a gleeful blissful state of not knowing anything. Because everything I have learned, everything I have believed in, everything I thought I knew has been wrong.  I believed I had a chance of  an increase in my hours at work. I believed that I might be making more money and be able to improve my living situation, I believed that things couldn’t get worse, I believed that I had a chance.  Well I’m not getting more hours at work, I’m not going to be making more money. In fact, I’ve even had an hour cut from my schedule. It’s just an hour, but still.  I believed that I could pull myself out of this hole of depression and madness. I believed that I was funny and attractive. I believed that I could carry off faking it a little longer.

It’s all off the table. I’m going to surrender. And I think surrendering to some form of god is the only thing left for me. I don’t know which form of god. But I have to give myself up to something bigger than myself. Let someone or something else take over for a while. Cleanse my mind, my soul, my body. Wipe the slate clean and start over. What am I talking about? I don’t know . I’m on the reference desk and slightly sedated with the help of some valium in order to make it through the day without a constant stream of tears running down my face. Crying is cleansing but it also wrecks your makeup and makes you look like a crazy person on the reference desk.  I bought some Lotto tickets.  I’m taking my dog to the rescue people next week. I’m going to have my paycheck garnished by several creditors. But in the end it’s only money. My daughter has relatives who can care for her if I cannot. We’ll just wait and see what happens.  I like valium.

OK… right up front I’ll say sure, she’s a bit younger and thinner and a little hotter than I am, but plenty of people have told me I look a lot like Mary Louise Parker – indeed a Southern three-part name… she is in fact, from my own hometown!!! From IMDB…… “Southern-bred Mary-Louise Parker, from Fort Jackson, (which is in Columbia) South Carolina, was born on August 2, 1964, the youngest of the family’s brood. She showed potential in her teens and majored in acting in her college years, graduating from the North Carolina School of the Arts” ….1964 huh? Hah! Not that much younger…….. in dog years…. or something……. ok, what about this one???

I accept the comparison as a true compliment. WEEDS is one of my favorite shows. I love the actors, the storyline, the dark humor and the sex – my god, Mary Louise and Romany Malco (Conrad) are hot…. But today, in an effort to save money, I canceled my HBO and Showtime subscriptions. Now, for Weeds, Entourage, Californication and other favorites I will have to wait for DVD release to satisfy my addiction. Hell, it’s only saving me about 22 dollars a month… I’m considering just getting rid of the cable altogether …. I watch way too much TV. And there’s plenty on regular network programming to keep me busy…

This was the theme of today after sinking into despair last night over finances: fix this situation. Somehow. I’ve been living beyond my means for a very long time, pretending I have money when I have none. Now my credit card is maxed out again and my savings account is gone. My safety nets have been yanked. This is what I know about myself – I am terrible with money. But I am also resilient and will manage to take care of myself and my daughter. And while I owe a ton of money, I always pay my bills on time and have an excellent credit score. For now.

But back to the fun part of this post. Who is your Doppelganger? Don’t be modest…… tell me…. I think T4 is a more handsome Martin Short, my friend Derrick is John C. O’Reilly, Elisabeth82 (in her before pics) looks like one of those models on this season of ANTM (Whitney), and my girl looks like the YOUNG (think Parent Trap) Lindsay Lohan…… but feel free to dispute these comparisons……

This day at the library has pushed me over the edge. I spent about an hour listening to an older Romanian gentleman telling me the story of his life but I could only understand about every 5th word he was saying…something about all the money he had and a woman he married who stole his jewelry although he had bought her a Lamborghini . And yadda yadda yadda… it finally dawned on me that perhaps he was a little nuts but I was kind of getting into just smiling and nodding. And thinking about that $1,800 car repair bill I have to pay tomorrow…. hmmm……  As I was still recovering from that interaction, another older guy came in and asked about getting a book so I flat out asked him “do you have a Lamborghini ?””” as I and the other librarian were rolling on the floor laughing… and the man says “no, but I have a BMW”… so I was trying to get him an ILL but he said he was on his way to the Carribean at which point I said wait till you get back to do this dude, but if you want me to go to the Carribean with you I will.  Of course, this is all highly inappropriate and unprofessional but hey! I’ve got bills to pay people.  I have 2.5 hours left in this shift and I just am praying to the god of Lamborghinis that I make it through without totally losing it.


Where DOES it all end? Obviously it ends after all is said and done. After the fat lady sings. When pigs fly, when hell freezes over, when you move into upper management, when you’re marinating in soil and worms, when you’ve moved into shart mode, the jig is up, the farm is bought, the hellish sensation that you’ve been there before sets in, tax season grasps you by the balls and nails you to the desktop, the seratonin uptake inhibitor is neither uptaking nor inhibiting, in fact you are exhibiting on the downbeat, and the symphony is playing on and on. You’re toast. You’re so yesterday. Your mold is showing, your eyes have seen the glory of the coming, you bet the farm and your dog died too. You’ve gone to the dirt archives. The cat is on the bed. You’ve put the smack down on it all, you eat the big one, you eat the little ones too, and then they eat you. Repeat.