I am once again revisiting the eternal struggle to wash my brain of the boy. To find the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The ups and downs of this relationship have been documented in this blog for a long time. I am not clear on why I cannot get over him. It’s been 2.5 years of continuous and alternating pain and joy. It’s like fucking Brokeback Mountain for heterosexuals. We’ve gone from being sorta together (boy don’t do monogomy), to being totally cut off, to being fuckbuddies, to being homemade porn stars, and now back to crazytown. He has a new fling. A freaking 26 year old. Not that hot, but obviously she’s got something he wants for now. I am having fucking NIGHTMARES about it all.
While the boy is charming and funny and smart, his life is a total trainwreck. I should be glad to let someone else deal with his drama for a while. Would I really want him if he was mine to have? Why am I so attached? So obsessed? There is obviously a connection there that strikes a deep and primal chord in me. The only way I can explain it is that pain and drama are so heavily ingrained in my psychological makeup, that he is the perfect fit for that very self defeating, masochistic chink in my brain. He fills a part of me that thrives on this stuff and it makes for a very powerful addiction. Add to that: I just love being around him. And the sex is perhaps the best I’ve ever had. The perfect trifecta for addiction. I feel like it is going to kill me. I cannot let that happen. What the hell? I need electro shock therapy. I need to move to another country. I can’t believe I am back here again. I guess I never really left. Writing about it is therapy for me. In which case, I should be doing a lot more writing……..