November 2007


What a pig. Beating a Sikh cab driver in what MIGHT (????) be a hate crime. Hell yeah it’s a fucking hate crime…. I say we hang the asshole. Police asked the cab driver to pick up an “intoxicated” football fan after he was ejected from the sports event. Since when do police arrange cab rides for drunken assholes? Why wasn’t he just arrested for public drunkeness?   Attention minority cab drivers: NEVER pick up intoxicated asshole, testosterone-driven football fans… EVER.  I encourage everyone to track down this jerk and make his life a living hell for as long as possible.

 

the reference desk. weeding. i’ve weeded over 1000 books in the last month. i’m sick of it. the drunks are filing in for some warmth as it is raining and freezing outside. my ass hurts. i’m sleepy. My best interaction today: a woman wanted to donate money to be earmarked for 20 more copies of Naomi Wolf’s book “The End of America” because we only own 20 copies now and there’s like 186 people waiting to read it. I wonder how much success she’ll have with that……  our selectors are pretty picky about what they will and will not do.

 

Christ. This blog is turning into the Diary of a Middle Aged Divorced Woman with Issues. Oh well, the social/political snark will return soon. For now I must quote from the book Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert. A friend told me to read it, and I followed the direction. So Gilbert is going through a terrible divorce, hooks up with a hot younger man and when that starts to fail, she falls apart. I wonder why my friend wanted me to read this??? Gilbert describes herself as “the planet’s most affectionate life form (something like a cross between a golden retriever and a barnacle)”  She goes on…

“I was despondent and dependent, needing more care than an armful of premature infant triplets. His withdrawal only made me more needy, and my neediness only advanced his withdrawals…. The fact is, I had becom addicted to him (in my defense, he had fostered this, being something of a “man-fatale“) , and now that his attention was wavering, I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences.  Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted – an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore – despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. …. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You’re a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes. ….. So that’s it. You have now reached infatuation’s final destination – the complete and merciless devaluation of self. “

Word.

Today I went back into the world. The sun was shining and with more sleep, less self indulgence, and some humility I found a different light at a different angle. Staying apart from the world is comforting to some point but then you realize you have to be in it to get anything out of it.  It’s a choice. Easy to give up and say it’s all fucked and everyone is fucked and what’s the fucking point in the end? Being angry at the world does nothing but perpetuate more anger. Taking action is the only chance of escaping hopelessness.  Whatever action we take, no matter how small, is all we have. My choice of action today was to work little by little on doing something positive. Something as small as talking honestly to a co-worker, being as responsible as I can be to work and family, not hurting myself through indulgence or neglect, just going for the even flow of day to day – at a certain point realizing that negative energy is damaging to me and to my environment.  Some friends have helped me to realize this, either through direct discussion or by ignoring me when I am a crazy negative bitch.  Whatever works.

 

So the HDTV I bought has been calling to me to watch the local PBS channel for weeks. Last night my daughter and I watched Frontline (about the UN / World leaders non-response to Darfur/Chad) and also a fantastic NOVA show about a village in Africa where the spiritual leader brings in army ants to run off termites that are destroying the village. Wow! If you’ve never seen the Queen Termite up close and personal then you don’t know true horror. We were both screaming … and laughing.. Scarier than any horror flick I’ve ever seen. Anyway… there is some really interesting shit out there on tv if you look for it. Thank god our days of fucked up reality tv are (almost) over. Project Runway, ANTM and The Amazing Race (and The Office) are still on our list of watchables.  Speaking of Cognitive Dissonance, what led me to watch the second show was that I just couldn’t go from watching Frontline and seeing the misery of a country that no one cares about back to some mindless American escapism. 

You will get what is coming to you. And it will be all the nothing you deserve. All the nothing you have given.  Because it is true that what goes around comes around. And flaming dildos will rain down upon your house when you least expect it – fiery projectiles in the night. Consider yourself warned. Sometimes you just gotta open up a good can of female rage on posers like you. Of course, the saddest part of it all is that I used to love you . I can’t believe I let it get that far. Just further evidence of my own poor judgement. 

UPDATE: Okay, I’m coming to my senses.  Anger is one of the stages of grief, as we know. I’m not throwing any flaming dildos at anyone’s house and I’m not a raging lunatic at the moment. Life’s too short to waste on regret and ill feelings. Sometimes things just don’t work out.  My reaction was severe as this was the first relationship I’d had in many, many years having just come out of a dead 10+ year marriage.  Like finding water in the desert and then having it taken away.

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